By Steve Dunleavy
THE mysterious Madame X racked up some gigantic frequent-flier miles
In 24 hours, she went from Buffalo to Britain and back to Buffalo.
And she didn't even have to get on a plane.
On Monday, her accent was pure Mia Farrow trying to sound like Marilyn
Monroe - trying to sound like both of them were at Ascot.
Yesterday, voila. Suddenly, she's back to being the daughter of the
People are paying $75 a ticket on Broadway, and yet the best show in
town is in Courtroom 1523, 100 Centre St.
Because there, Madame X confounds the most cynical critics in her
We have heard about her desire to:
Make a snuff movie.
Get excited over dismemberment.
Celebrate dirt because it's "erotic."
And further celebrate rough being good.
The only flaw in her performance is that she does not break down on cue.
Unfortunately, she is not performing on Broadway.
She is the star witness in the landmark - and laughable - Cybersex
Oliver Jovanovic, 30, is accused of the most frightening acts against
But this comic opera is costing taxpayers a small fortune - and that's
For instance, yesterday's tax dollars were spent listening to testimony
A rabbit who got AIDS.
Muppets with real-life problems.
"But their problems were very violent," the mysterious Madame X told the
And there was more. There was a cat committing an unspeakable indignity
on a walrus.
It is the talk of the criminal courthouse.
This is a case about two geniuses rolling around in three-dimensional
S&M triggered by the latest baby-boomer toy, the computer.
In other countries, there are laws against frivolous suits.
Simply put, the suer can be sued by the "sewer."
Just think, a couple of cops had to pick up this silly nitwit Jovanovic
- and make a report to Linda Fairstein, a normally sharp lady when it
comes to sex crimes.
New York City cops don't make mistakes when it comes to these sad
performances of humanity.
Someone wasn't listening to the gnarled voice of warning from the cops.
Rush to judgment? The prosecution broke a hundred yards in even time.
But what is particularly disturbing is the fact that Judge William
Wetzel has curtailed the defense of Jack Litman.
Now, Jack Litman is no golf day in Palm Beach. He plays it hard, but he
plays it fair.
The judge has a different playing field.
Madame X talked about snuff films, erotic sex and adventures of the
body, and that was allowed by the judge. Pretty sensational.
But there was stuff - can you believe it? - that was not allowed into
Jack Litman's opening to the jury.
When you talk about snuff movies, sick sex and violence, what could it
be that the judge doesn't allow?
"What the defense has said so far is only a fraction of what we believe
we know to be the facts," said Jeff Newman, lawyer for the Jovanovic
"If it was all to come out, the story would go on day after day after
day, quite unbelievable."
And of course, this is quite unbelievable.
Because somewhere, somehow, some way, the cost of this ridiculous case
is gonna cost me a pint of beer somewhere in taxation.
And that's when Dunleavy gets angry.
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