THE mysterious Madame X racked up some gigantic frequent-flier miles

yesterday.

In 24 hours, she went from Buffalo to Britain and back to Buffalo.

And she didn't even have to get on a plane.

On Monday, her accent was pure Mia Farrow trying to sound like Marilyn

Monroe - trying to sound like both of them were at Ascot.

Yesterday, voila. Suddenly, she's back to being the daughter of the

Buffalo Bills.

People are paying $75 a ticket on Broadway, and yet the best show in

town is in Courtroom 1523, 100 Centre St.

Because there, Madame X confounds the most cynical critics in her

performance.

We have heard about her desire to:

Make a snuff movie.

Get excited over dismemberment.

Celebrate dirt because it's "erotic."

And further celebrate rough being good.

The only flaw in her performance is that she does not break down on cue.

Unfortunately, she is not performing on Broadway.

She is the star witness in the landmark - and laughable - Cybersex

Trial.

Oliver Jovanovic, 30, is accused of the most frightening acts against

Madame X.

But this comic opera is costing taxpayers a small fortune - and that's

an outrage.

For instance, yesterday's tax dollars were spent listening to testimony

about:

Bulimic hippopatmuses.

A rabbit who got AIDS.

Muppets with real-life problems.

"But their problems were very violent," the mysterious Madame X told the

stunned jurors.

And there was more. There was a cat committing an unspeakable indignity

on a walrus.

It is the talk of the criminal courthouse.

This is a case about two geniuses rolling around in three-dimensional

S&M triggered by the latest baby-boomer toy, the computer.

In other countries, there are laws against frivolous suits.

Simply put, the suer can be sued by the "sewer."

Just think, a couple of cops had to pick up this silly nitwit Jovanovic

- and make a report to Linda Fairstein, a normally sharp lady when it

comes to sex crimes.

New York City cops don't make mistakes when it comes to these sad

performances of humanity.

Someone wasn't listening to the gnarled voice of warning from the cops.

Rush to judgment? The prosecution broke a hundred yards in even time.

But what is particularly disturbing is the fact that Judge William

Wetzel has curtailed the defense of Jack Litman.

Now, Jack Litman is no golf day in Palm Beach. He plays it hard, but he

plays it fair.

The judge has a different playing field.

Madame X talked about snuff films, erotic sex and adventures of the

body, and that was allowed by the judge. Pretty sensational.

But there was stuff - can you believe it? - that was not allowed into

Jack Litman's opening to the jury.

When you talk about snuff movies, sick sex and violence, what could it

be that the judge doesn't allow?

"What the defense has said so far is only a fraction of what we believe

we know to be the facts," said Jeff Newman, lawyer for the Jovanovic

family.

"If it was all to come out, the story would go on day after day after

day, quite unbelievable."

And of course, this is quite unbelievable.

Because somewhere, somehow, some way, the cost of this ridiculous case

is gonna cost me a pint of beer somewhere in taxation.